Stop Trying to Change Your Lover

Stop Trying to Change Your Lover

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of calls from women and men hoping they can somehow change who their partner is into a different kind of partner.

We all have our idea of the perfect romantic partner, unfortunately we cannot change anyone but ourselves and acceptance is always key. If you decide to stay in a relationship with someone that most of the time annoys or frustrates you, then why stay with them at all?

Acceptance is Key

You have now officially created a void that was never there to begin with. And if you continue to try and change the person, you’re with it will get more frustrating and for many all-consuming. This is not a healthy relationship or an equal partnership. I do remind all my callers that we cannot change anyone but ourselves.

Can I turn cat into a dog? No, I cannot! My point is again, we cannot change anyone but ourselves. Also, if you do love someone learn to accept their flaws; if they are not hurting you or anyone else then my advice is always acceptance is key. Especially if this is someone who you love and want to want to have a lifelong partnership with.

Parent Yourself

But when we stay in an unhealthy, toxic relationship where there has been verbal, mental or even physical abuse, this is when I will ask my caller to “parent yourself” the same way you would parent your own child, sibling or best friend! Would you want your own child to stay in this kind of a relationship? If your answer is HELL, NO! Then walk your talk.

This is not time to play the “Poor Me” card. Self-pity is unattractive and quite frankly prevents you from ever evolving and learning your life lessons. You can absolutely stay in the toxic relationship however it’s an exercise in futility if you truly believe you have the power to change your partner.

You are not Harry Potter or Glenda the Good Witch with a magic wand you can use to cast a spell! We have free will and if your partner chooses to change, then he or she will do that when they want to, if they want to change!

You are the Only One in Charge of Your Life 

You have all this tremendous power now; you’ve always had it. You can continue to become more co-dependent and try like hell to change your lover or move on and make changes in your own life.

One book I can recommend is called “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from her brilliant book to inspire:

“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people’s lives, problems, and wants to set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life” – Melody Beattie


  1. The article provides a clear distinction between healthy acceptance and staying in toxic relationships. The guidance to avoid self-pity and embrace personal agency is both logical and motivational, urging readers to make positive changes in their lives.

  2. Melody Beattie’s quote encapsulates the essence of taking control of one’s own life. The recommendation of her book, ‘Codependent No More,’ provides a valuable resource for those seeking to break free from controlling behaviors and cultivate self-care.

  3. The comparison to Harry Potter and Glenda the Good Witch adds a relatable and light-hearted touch to the serious topic of relationship dynamics. The advice to focus on one’s own growth and well-being is both practical and empowering.

  4. I appreciate the emphasis on self-awareness and self-care. The suggestion to ‘parent yourself’ in unhealthy relationships is particularly powerful and can serve as a useful guide for those struggling with difficult partnerships.

  5. The article raises some thought-provoking points about personal responsibility in relationships. It is indeed important to recognize that we cannot change others, only ourselves. Acceptance plays a crucial role in maintaining a healthy partnership.


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